I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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