Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She needs sedatives and a leash
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
