i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
