Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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