dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
