If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
