once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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