Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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