Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
