Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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