OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
