were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
