I'm going to jail i love you
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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