U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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