Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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