i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
