This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
