like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
