I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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