If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
