sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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