I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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