Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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