Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
