he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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