i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
