Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
