We won't sleep together?
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
