Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
