I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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