My cat gives me a boner
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
