Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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