my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
