I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
