Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
