i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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