I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
