I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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