Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
