My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
