You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
