based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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