My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
