margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
