I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
