only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
