apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
