it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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