He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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