had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
