:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
